After all, it is a Beautiful Day!

After all, it is a beautiful day…  today is the day for the first treatment and I’m fucking freaking out… I will never get used to this…  needles, (I hate needles) blood samples, EKG’s, scrubs, IV’s, --- the thought of injecting poison (I call magic juice) into my body to make me healthy is mind-blowing – I can taste it in my throat… it feels as if it might chock me—I can feel the coldness of it going into my vein and onto the rest of my body and I try to imagine it going straight to my lungs and eating up all the cancer cells just like when I used to play pac-man many years ago….  All kinds of emotions are going on inside me; fear, anger, sadness, compassion for the others sitting nearby and then I feel empowered and a big urge to embrace life…  how can I possibly bitch about anything else…  I can almost say that compare to this, any other trivial issue is a piece a cake… I just can’t tolerate hearing people bitch about the little things in life --- if everyone reading this can learn one thing from my experience it should be to embrace life full force – for it could chance in a heartbeat ---  our bodies are amazing but life is fragile and we take so much for granted and put emphasis in the wrong things…   when today is over, I’m going back to finding true meaning in life, I just need to get over the hump of this day --- I'm loving stronger, deeper --- and appreciating every single minute--  I’ve found the true meaning of “living”…  and that makes me really, really happy!

OFF to UCLA

Walking out of Dr. Liu’s office at USC research center, I am trying to figure out the next step to take, feeling pretty good about the appointment – not really sure why since the doctor just told me that I was a week and a half too late to take part on the clinical study that my doctor from NYU and the doctors from Houston had been discussing would be a great option for me.   I’m discussing the appointment with my sister Blanca as we are walking through the hallway filled with cancer patients waiting to meet with doctors, somehow I spot this one person, a young man – maybe in his late 20’s, I can’t help but to stare at him, he appears  to look fragile and weak, he is walking very slow and his skin is colorless – ( a sign of heavy chemo)he had a look in his eyes that can only come from fear.  Blanca and I just looked at each other; we didn’t have to say anything, both our hearts go out to him.  He was standing by a counter talking with a beautiful young blond girl, I imagine her to be his wife…  that’s when my train of thought and the strategic planning that was going on in my head stops – for those couple of minutes that our paths crossed I connected with him in some incredible way… I so wanted to go over and give him a hug --- I started to imagine what his life must be like – newlyweds, babies, careers, dreams, fears, expectations, wedding vows, friendships so on and so forth… throughout my journey, in all my doctors’ appointments (and there have been many) every so often I see a cancer fighter that totally gets my attention and when that happens… I can’t get that person out of my head.   I didn’t know anything about this young man but in my mind I’ve already given him all the details of a life including a name; “Scott” and now when I pray for him, I can call him by his name…

So my visit to USC came about because the chemo treatment I was receiving at Desert Hospital did not work – All together I received three treatments and the CT scan that was taken the first week in May showed that the three chemo treatment didn’t do anything.  I immediately contacted both Houston and my doctor at NYU.  After a long discussion about the best possibly options for me, I was referred to the research center at USC.  Because I was a week and a half too late for clinical trial on a very promising drug at USC, Dr. Liu, head of research referred me to the research center at UCLA where I met with Dr. Geron, Head of Research – both doctors are very young and incredibly smart --- it is amazing to see the advances of these new cutting-edge drugs.

As it turns out, UCLA is working with a drug that it’s an even better match for me, Dr. Liu knew that and that was the reason for the referral to UCLA – I know this because both doctors discussed my case.  Even though the clinical trial at UCLA had already closed, Dr. Geron reopened it to include me.  Great results have already been seen with this drug.  He explained to me that traditional chemo works as a  blockage to the message sent from the protein produced by a normal cell through a malfunction to the cancer cells to grow, chemo stops  working when the cancer cells mutate thus outsmarting the blockage (chemo) and getting to the protein to retrieve the message to grow/multiply.   The new drug UCLA is testing gets into the DNA of the cell to stop the production of the protein altogether.  Of course this is a very simple explanation, the process is a whole lot more complicated…  Dr. Geron also explained to me that the type of cancer that I have is very rare, only 5% of all lung cancers.   This week I started testing (blood, CT, PET, EKG etc. etc.) at UCLA and it will continue next week (gather as much data as possible)… I’m schedule to start on the new drug next Monday and will be getting it once a week… … the only side effect known is problems to the eyes, I might go color blind or become sensitive to light – I told the doctor, as long as I can taste tacos, I don’t care if I can’t see color… lol ---  (kiddin’, I’ve become a vegetarian….)

It will be four years in October since the initial diagnosis, to think that at the time the prognosis was six months without treatment or 12 to 14 months with treatment

 

It still feels odd – in every appointment, discussion or decision, it still does not feel as if it’s “me” we are talking about, it feels as if I’m talking about someone else… I go through the motions – I know what I have, I know what I’m up against, but I will not OWN this illness… it does not feel natural in my body, I refuse to make it my reality…

 

The kids are doing well, they are busy with their lives…I’m grateful for the relationship with have, we enjoy each other greatly, our life is pretty “normal” --- whatever that means…  I spend time researching and understanding the illness, I’m still Zumba ing and of course enjoying my time with Luis, which by the way is taking to Spain this summer…. And Germany… super excited and so looking forward to that…