A Christmas gift

So here I am once more…

Last Sunday, the day before the surgery I was emotionally blocked to the point that I could not pray, meditate, sing, dance, think, move or even talk to anyone -- if I open my mouth it would be to bite the head off someone, any one… It felt as if some ugly monster was inside of me wanting to burst out (kindda like in the movie Alien), I just could not control my fear. My friend Mariana came over the house to help me relax with an ancient Japanese form of energy cleansing. After an hour of Reiki, I felt reenergize and centralized within myself. As Mariana was leaving, I was putting on my hiking boots, kissing my parents and sister hello and good-bye… I was on my way to the mountain for a long, much needed hike, which I fully enjoyed, it was then that I was able to pray and talk to God once again. Climing was effortless, as if my feet were barely touching the dirt, it was an amazing feeling, did not get a bit tired -- I knew my body was in good shape.

I checked-in the hospital at 6 a.m. Monday morning for surgery scheduled at 7 a.m.... All my brothers and sisters, parents and my three kids were there… I was nervous but not scared. Surgery lasted approximately 2 hours without any complications. The incision is about six inches long right under my shoulder blade and the hole for the suction tube is about the size of a penny. The doctor explained that he took the biggest nodule along with all its surrounding tissue from the lung, he had to spread open my ribs to get through to the lung. The nodule was 9 cm long, so it was a chunk… Monday after surgery was the most difficult day, the pain was excruciating even with morphine, each day the pain is less. I was discharged from the hospital on Wednesday; with every passing day, I feel better.  I still have a hard time breathing, but that is also getting better every day.  A nurse comes to the house every day to check my vital signs and everything has been normal since the surgery. I have an appt. to see my oncologist on Wed. to review the results from pathology and determine the treatment to follow.

There have been so many wonderful angels around me, I feel the love and support of so many wonderful people, some very much directly and others indirectly. Every time I turn around there is someone else showing me a wonderful gesture. On the second day in the hospital, my doctor come into my room and asked if I had opened my own flower shop there? My room did look like a flower shop. My phone has not stopped ringing, texts continue to come in, and so many people that visited me in the hospital and here at my house. I guess I am a very fortunate person to have so many wonderful friends and people who love me…  I feel so blessed and happy -- in pain, but happy. .. God continues to work through different people and I say it with certainty because I feel it.

The spirit of Christmas is most definitely with me and my children, they have been so strong through this ordeal. I can see maturity, sensitivity, gratefulness, selflessness, determination and plenty of love in their eyes. I know one day when all this is over, they will be very good people because they have found the kind endurance and compassion that can only result from challenges such as this one.

Merry Christmas to all…

I'm in God's Hands

After all this wait….


The first week of November I had a PET scan done, that same day I received a phone call from the doctor’s office stating that there was something wrong with the scan and I had to do it all over… What does that mean? Again, the anticipation is dreadful! And then of course I start imagining and creating big monsters in my head…. On the 3rd week of November I had a second PET scan done. My oncologist referred me to a Thoracic Surgeon (a surgeon that specializes in the chest, lungs and throat area) He would need to take a sample of one of the nodule to determine if the gene is there. I called to make an appointment to find out that this particular doctor does not contract with insurance companies…. WHAT?? He must be soooooo fucking good that he only handles CASH? You can just imagine my reaction, frustration and yes… anger…. I have one of the best medical insurance I can possibly have… one that is not cheap… in all my dealings with doctors, and there have been many, I have never seen anything like this… the search for another doctor with a great reputation began… Finally working with my oncologist a new surgeon was found. I immediately made an appointment to consult a new doctor. I had to pick-up the results from the last PET scan and hand-carry them to the new doctor’s office the next day. Well of course I had to open the envelope… the results show that there are anywhere from 9 to 12 cancerous tumors in my right lung, varying in sizes…. Fear just took over me…. I prayed to God like crazy because at this point there is just nothing else to do, well I cried too…. A lot! I still went to the Zumba class… and pushed my body hard… kindda’ like to show it who’s boss here…

I met with the surgeon yesterday. I knew that I had to look into his eyes to see if he would be the one to do surgery on me and if I didn’t like him I would be willing to walk out and travel anywhere to find the right doctor. Within the first minute of meeting him, I liked him. Besides the fact that he has duo specialties (heart and lungs), which I think makes him super smart, I saw compassion in his eyes, calmness in his voice and very soft and steady hands. He answered every one of my questions with honesty; he also treated me like a person not a patient. He explained the procedure in terms I can understand. He is going for the largest tumor with an incision through the ribs making sure he gets it all so that pathology will have a lot to work with. He wanted to schedule the surgery for the next day, today… I said no… I have a Zumba class to teach… Actually, I just need to wrap my head around the whole idea of surgery and I wanted to have the “feeling” of having a little bit of control over my life, whatever that means… He was already doing two heart surgeries today and I would be the third one. We agreed on Monday at 7 am, and I would be the first one… I like that better! I’m expected to stay in the hospital for 2 – 3 days and go home in plenty of time to spend Christmas with the kids.

The kids… WOW!... They have been nothing but strong, supportive, mature and loving. What a burden for them and yet they are holding everything together. I’m very proud of them.

What I need from you and is to pray so that God may guide the doctor’s hands so that he can get in and out without disturbing anything else, for my body so that it will respond well and heal fast and for me so that I don’t “freak-out”!

There is always Tomorrow

I see the rainbow in the sky, the dew upon
  the grass;
I see them, and I ask not whay they glimmer
  or they pass.
With folded arms I linger not to call them
  back; 'twere vain;
In this, or in some other spot, I know they'll
  shine again.

                                WALTER SAVAGE LONDOR

There is nothing worse in life than spending it living in FEAR…

Mexico

It was a wonderful experience to say the least…

We stayed in a very small town two hours outside Guadalajara, the capital of Jalisco. This is the kind of place where all the people know each other by name, and who is related to whom. As soon as we arrived at the house where we stayed, neighbors began asking who we were and where do we come from? This is also the kind of place where men ride horses on the pebble-stone roads to get from one part of town to the another (loved to see that – soooo sexy, I so wanted to be taken for a ride, but women in Mexico don’t do that, but then again, I am from California!!!), and where on any given afternoon as you walk to the plaza for ice-cream or an afternoon treat everyone says “hello!” and “have a nice day”; people have time to sit and visit with each other. People may be poor, but they don’t know it, and so they are very happy (comes to mind something I once read, “The happiest people are not the ones who have a lot of money, but the ones who need the least”). The smell of wood burning in the afternoon will forever remind me of Mexico. I was born in Mexico City and moved to California when I was ten… so this was all so very new to me. I got to experience the real Mexico, its people, food, culture and passion and it was more wonderful than I could have ever expected. We were busy the entire time, waking at the crack of dawn by the sound of a rooster and on the go until way into the night, visiting other small town where we got to try different foods (Oh.. the food…!!! It was wonderful!! Best Mexican food EVERRRRR… everything is home-made. The meat, fresh from that morning, I could go on and on and on about the food… I probably put on 10 lbs. in the four days we were there, really!)

My spiritual experience is so intense and personal that is difficult to express, and I want to keep it private. What I can say is that I have never felt closer to God and more at peace than how I feel now.

I would like to report that I did not have one drop of tequila until the last day at the airport waiting for our flight back, however I did bring back a few bottles!!!

Faith, Hope and Action…

Faith, Hope and Action…

I am about to embark on a pilgrimage. I am leaving to a place in Jalisco, Mexico named San Juan De Los Lagos. A bit of history:

“It is best known as the home of a small image of the Virgin Mary called Our Lady of San Juan de los Lagos or in Nahuatl Cihuapilli, which means “Great Lady.” Since the first major miracle ascribed to her in 1632, she has been venerated especially for cases involving mortal danger. The miracles ascribed to her have made the basilica in which she is found a major tourist attraction, which has shaped the town’s history to this day. “

“The town was then called San Juan Mezquititlan Baptist but its name was changed to San Juan de Los Lagos in 1623.[3] According to local legends, that year the daughter of some local Indian peasants fell ill, her parents prayed for her health, and the young girl recovered. Following this miracle, the statue began to be venerated by an increasing number of pilgrims including Indians, Spanish and mestizos.”

I am traveling with my sister and we are both very excited about this trip even though we are only going to be there for four days.

Although I have  kept a very strong faith through this ordeal, going to visit this place is a way to manifest my belief in miracles and to find a place here on earth where I can feel closer to God… without having to go visit Him in person (spirit) LOL…

Oh, did I happen to mention that Jalisco is where Tequila originated– this is the place where it all started…. Happy face!  There is a possibility that while my sister is praying in church, I might be Tequila tasting! -- kiddin'.....   I'll bring back pictures ...

HALLOWEEN

WITCHING YOU

A HAPPY

PUMKIN DAY!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Next...

Since my last entry… I met with my primary Oncologist (who happens to be an extraordinary, cutting –edge, visionary doctor) to review the results from the last CT scan. She explained to me that there is a new medication recently approved that targets a specific gene in cancer, this drug has been very successful, provided a specific gene is present. This breakthrough is really amazing to me because this particular new medication is not dealing with cancer cells anymore but rather with genes. To find out if this particular gene is present in the type of cancer that I have, fibers would have to be taken from the tumors which equates to a “biopsy”. However, because of the location of these tumors and the difficulty getting to them surgery would be most likely the only option (which, in a way, is better than going through the lung with a needle while I am awake). My doctor determined that since the tumors are growing at such a slow rate we have time to consult with a surgeon who specializes on the chest area for his opinion and most likely surgery.

The surgeon wants to do additional testing to determine the best time to perform the surgery, depending on the size of the tumors and their exact location. I will be having a PET scan on Nov. 1st. PET scan will provide the doctors with precise information as to the size and location of the tumors. After surgery, if indeed the specific gene is present, I will just start taking a new oral medication, but if not, I would most likely go through chemo treatments again… 

My body is very healthy otherwise, I’m a little crazy at times but for the most part I feel great!!! Besides from the fact that I have to educate myself so that I may understand doctors, digest all the information and make decisions which can get overwhelming, I’m doing really great! I’m happy, happy and grateful for what I do have. Some days dealing with cancer feels almost too easy, I think I have become desensitized to it all. My struggles are more emotional than anything else and with that being the case; I would rather feel pain in my heart because I love and care, than nothing at all, it’s all worth it! As I mentioned once before, the hardest part has always been accepting the facts, once I do, the rest is pretty easy…. I now feel that I am in great hands, both the doctors’ and most importantly God’s.

Lung cancer accounts for the most cancer-related deaths in both men and women. More people die of lung cancer than of colon, breast, and prostate cancers combined. Survival rate for someone in my condition is less than 10%. Having said that, the simple fact that I am still here as health as anyone else, and feeling physically great, gives me every reason to be nothing but grateful and enjoy life to the fullest each and every day. And that, I do every single day!!! 



The Gloves are on!!!

Tuesday, Sept. 20th

It is 3:00 p.m., I find myself sitting on the examining table waiting for my doctor to walk in, this whole time I’m thinking “I should have taken a f****ing happy pill, I should have taken a f****ing happy pill!!” Part of me wants to put on my clothes and leave and the other part wants to fast-forward my life to the next hour. Finally he walks in and tells me to sit on a chair next to him. He explains to me that the two tiny tumors that they have been monitoring have grown to the size of grapes; one of them is very closed to my lymph node and air passage. The next step would be to do a biopsy of the one of the tumors to see what we are dealing with, the cancer cells have mutated and that’s the reason the oral chemotherapy I am currently taking is not working on these two tumors. The problem with doing the biopsy is that it is very invasive, painful and risky; while I am awake my lung is filled with air, a long needle is inserted in the lung, a sample is taken and then the lung gets deflated, I won’t be able to move, talk nor cough during the procedure. He explained to me that new medications are getting approved often and considering the fact that I am feeling well now and my every day activities are not affected by it, we should wait and at the same time buy ourselves time to allow for more drugs to get approved. He wants to see me in 8 weeks and another scan in 3 months.


I know what I need to do with my body… diet, yoga, meditation etc. etc. and a lot of praying!!!! I just need to get to a place where I can totally agree with my doctor. Do I want to wait or do I want to bite the bullet now?

Life doesn't get easier...  the challenges are big!!

Desert Sunset after the Rain

I love the rain particularly on a hot summer day…   but the magnificent sunset was breathtaking!!  These pictures were taken with my cell phone and frankly, it was so much more beautiful in person.  One of the few great things about leaving in the desert is the “Works of Art” nature gives us!!!

Challenge + Hard Work = Growth

Opportunity for growth presents itself with every challenge!


I LOVE/HATE this phrase because it means there is a lot of work ahead! Can’t remember where I read it but it just stuck in my mind. 8 simple words, yet so difficult to fully comprehend and accept their meaning. As I sit and wait for my next scheduled CT scan appointment (Sept. 16th at 8:45 a.m. -scan; Sept. 20th, Dr.’s appt. to review the results), I need to wrap my mind around the fact that my life might change after the 20th or NOT… So, as analytical as I tend to be, I start looking for all the possible answers to the question “What if?” Anticipation and anxiety sets in…

Finding the opportunity to grow becomes my CHALLENGE…. What I really want to do is hide in a cave for the next 20 days. I struggle to find the beauty, joy and pleasures that I know life has to offer. Nature gives me that…. I love the quiet, tranquility and peace that can only be found in nature that’s also when I feel the closest to God. Back to the bare basics, NATURE gives, NATURE takes away!!!! This becomes a very personal and private battle to stay positive and optimistic. I search deep into my soul for every bit of faith in me. My conversations with God become intense and desperate. I will be spending a lot of time meditating and praying with humility to find internal peace! And when I do find it, once again acceptance will take the place of fear and that will be my GROWTH!

HOPE is “to expect with confidence”

Happy friday... Looking forward to a great weekend!!!

Kissing...

I believe in KISSING, kissing a LOT...... AND I believe that HAPPY girls are the PRETTIEST girls!!! audrey hepburn

Let's Zumba!!!!

 

We did it!!! First class was last Monday, 35 ladies registered, about 25 come to the first class and it was GREAT!!!. I thought I would freeze once the music start playing, but no… Once I got on stage and heard the music… I got in my own little zone and began shaking it!!! My goal is to pass on to the girls a little bit of the passion I feel when I dance… I hope I do…



We only did about 40 minutes of the workout, the AC was not working properly and the room was quite HOT!! Which made us sweat even more, it was definitly a POWER ZUMBA class… The ladies were such good sports, they made it through!!! OMG, I MADE IT THROUGH!!!

The morning after some of the girls came up to me to say how much they enjoyed it...  That makes me feel GREAT!!! :)

These days with so much influence from media, technology etc. etc., its difficult to stay genuine to one's self...   I, for one, am trying to meditate and spend quiet, alone time.  Gathering myself and finding the true balance that makes me happy.

FRIENDS, FOOD, FUN...

Happy Friday!!!

Its the weekend... what a great time to spend with friends relaxing and enjoying...  looking forward to happy hour, margaritas by the pool, great food and engaging conversation!!!