Biker Weekend 2009

Biker weekend, 2009 -- taking a break after dancing all night !!!!

BALANCE AND TRANQUILITY

I continue to take care of my body and mind -- really love doing yoga by the Beach. My body continues to heal -- taking good care of it, for my body is the shell that covers my bare soul!!

Santa Monica 5K

Santa Monica, CA 5K - to benefit the Cancer Center of St. John Hospital. Finsh the run in 33.28 minutes. Had a great time!!!

Happy Birthday to ME!!

Celebrated my birthday with the kids at home -- we had a great time!

This picture was taken a while ago - Sept. 2009.

Cancer Walk - Redlands, CA 10/4/09

Over 5,000 people gathered in downtown Redlands to walk a 5K in support of "Women fighting Cancer" -- Oct. 4, 2009 -- among those gathered were my children and my sisters walking alongside me. It was pretty emotional for all of us. It is amazing to think that it has been a year since I was diagnosed -- and here I am, kicking and fighting like a cat in cold water. It certainly brings me back to the time when my doctor gave me the news and then he stated that it may not seem like it, but that I was given a gift, at the time I thought to say "#$@&#@?#*" each day I understand more and more the meaning of his words, I have been given a gift for a second chance to LIFE.

In my dreams, I saw myself in the ground being burried, but I also saw heaven --- because of those dreams I lost all fears. I live life FEARLESSLY ... what a wonderful feeling to have!!!!!!

Every single day, God grants me a wish; He allows me to have more time with my loved ones, specially with my kids -- to get to know them and to love 'em, to make memories, many memories -- I get an incredible feeling of satifaction and pride when I see how grown-up and matured Tiffany, Alex and Tony have become - what more could I want?

I see my doctors every 6 -7 weeks and the results continue to be optimistic... for that I am forever grateful!!!

E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

E. E. Cummings

TRANQUILITY

Hiking the Santa Monica Mountains. The ever amazing view of the ocean as I hiked through the woods; a peaceful relaxing way of getting in touch with myself as I feel the coolness of the ocean breeze with every breath of fresh air expanding my lungs.

Very Proud of My Boys...

Alex and Anthony -- they make me feel so protected...

A New Chapter

Last Friday, July 21st, I received wonderful news from my doctor. The results from the CT scan are positively remarkable -- My body continues to heal. Tarceva is doing exactly what is meant to do – attack cancer cells. The smaller nodules in my lung are not visible anymore, one of the two larger tumors has shrunken to the point that it can not be measured and the other tumor has diminished in size by 50 to 60 percent. All that is left on the outside of my lung is scar tissue. My immune system is normal and all my organs are functioning properly.

The silver lining is brighter than ever.

My life has been transformed, as if a metamorphosis; I’m able to appreciate even the most minor details of my every day life. They joy of waking up every morning and knowing that there is absolutely nothing that can hold me back from being happy.

The past 9 months have been an incredible journey, as challenging as it has been, it has also been rewarding and fruitful. I have gain so much from it. I no longer live in denial of my mortality, I fully understand how fragile and delicate life is (and because of that, I am stronger than ever before). I fully comprehend the fact that none of us are guaranteed how many tomorrows any of us will have, all that counts, is today, right now, right this precise moment, for the future is just an illusion to distract us from the present. I refuse to fall into the same routine of a monotonous life – I look for meaning in all that surrounds me. Losing the innocence of an non-guaranteed future has taught me to live each and every moment to the maximum, to absorb life and all its wonderful gifts, to love with all my passion, to give unconditionally, to wrap my arms around those who I love, to laugh as loud as I can and as often as I can, and to forgive (which was very difficult for me) those whose intentions are other than good, for now I understand that when one intentionally hurts another person, there must be incredible turmoil within.

Above it all, I am grateful for a second chance to LIFE.

Fear does not threaten me anymore.

On My Way...

This is my new look – I really have gown to love my blond hair. It is definitely true that blonds do have more fun!!! Although, as a brunette, I have always managed to have fun-- lots of it… – those of you who know me can attest to that!!!
It has been quite a while since my last entry, so much has happened since then… I am on my fourth month on Tarceva (oral chemo), the first couple of months were every difficult because of one of the side effect; a very ugly rash all over my chest and face, I tried applying make-up to cover it up but it only made it worst, going out in public was specially difficult because people starred as if they felt sorry for me. It hurt to laugh and it hurt to cry and of course every time I looked at myself in the mirror – I would start crying. It felt as if I had a really bad sunburn, needless to say I stayed in the dark for many days, going out was out of the question. I literately felt like the “elephant man” roaming around in the dark when nobody could see me. My oncologist said that the rash was actually an indication that the medication was working, however, at that time it was unknown if the rash would ever clear up. So the question became; should I continue taking this magic pill every day that might keep me alive but that it makes me feel like a monster or do I give up on western medicine and try alternative medicine and hope for the best???
Considering everything we have gone through up to this point, I realized that not giving this new medication a chance to do perform its magic was not an option. I would have to gather the strength needed from wherever to overcome one more obstacle (in other words, suck-it-up!!!) I was not about to give into this horrible illness that has taken so much from me and has taken me though the most unimaginable darkness. The struggle each day to fight the “beast” became harder.
I set my alarm for 5:00 a.m. every single morning at which time I would wake-up and take my pill (I have to take it on a very empty stomach) with very mixed feelings – Hopeful for this magic pill to keep my body alive and Angry because it was emotionally killing me. My sisters called every day to make sure I had taken the pill and every day I would cry until I could not cry anymore. My faith was certainly being tested. As you can see in the pictures, the rash is about 90 percent gone – for which I am so grateful and so very happy. I have returned back to work after full time. I continue to eat healthy most of the time (I allow myself a treat every so often) and take care of myself.
It has been just about four months since I started and I will have my first CT scan this week, the results from my blood work continue to be very positive, my Poulmonologist is very impressed with how well I’m doing, he keeps telling that I have been blessed and I totally agree with him. Whatever the results from the scan, physically I feel very strong, emotionally; well, that’s an every day struggle, psychologically: I have come such a long way from when I was initially diagnosed; I’m a completely different person. Sometimes when I hear or see people complain over (what seem to me) minor things, I wish I could show them how wonderful life really is and how grateful we should all be because it does not matter how bad any given day could be – it could always be worse. One more thing I would like to share with you -- My life has changed dramatically for the best, each and every day is a gift - one thing that I have learned is that each one of us is fighting our own battle, large or small its still our battle and its not how we do it or how often we are faced with the difficulties of it, its most definitly the actitude that makes the difference.

breathe

once upon a time, there was a very busy girl
with a tired yet hopeful soul. then, one day
her soul asked her to stop... and just breathe.
and so she did, and the girl and her soul
lived happily ever after.
the end.

Life

On Tuesday, February 24th, I will be going in for my last chemo treatment. The results from the last CT scan show that the treatments continue to work, at this time it is undetermined to what extent, but there is definitely progress, which I’m extremely happy to report. In approximately 3-4 weeks, after the last treatment, I will be undergoing a series of tests and scans to determine what will come next, depending on the results from the tests, my doctors are very optimistic as I. The results from my blood work have always been right on target, my immune systems couldn’t be better. I will continue to take good care of myself physically, emotionally and mentally to prepare my body for whatever might come next, as far as treatment. I’m staying very positive and that helps tremendously (most of the time) particularly when coping with some of the side-effects.

I can honestly say that life has a completely new meaning for me. If someone had told me that I would be going through these circumstances 6 months ago, my reaction would have been of FEAR. The strength and courage that I have gained through this ordeal have been unbelievable. I know that whatever the outcome, I am more alive now than I had ever been. I can definitely say that I started living the day I thought I was dying. I’m passionate about living each and every day of my life. Sharing moments with the people that I love are such incredible gifts for which I’m extremely grateful. Whether I’m riding on the back of Ron’s bike enjoying the view and our time together, baking cookies with the kids as we joke and have fun with eachother or having a heart-to-heart conversation with one of sisters (for which there is never enough time), these are all moments that I live with a passion I never knew before. The sky seems bluer, music sounds better, the moon is bigger – I had never before noticed how the snow up on the mountains can glow just as daylight is breaking...

No moments are ever wasted, and the word “regret” is not part of my vocabulary anymore.

Cherish Yesterday, Live Today, Dream about Tomorrow

My yard looks beautiful. One of the fist things I do each morning is walk through my backyard as I drink a cup of coffee and enjoy the beauty of all the plants and flowers. I am constantly reminded of the ongoing support I receive from so many people. The boys and I have been hanging little white lights throughout the yard and when the weather allows it, we have dinner outdoors. It is so relaxing and beautiful!!! The kids are dong real good, they are growing up fast and maturing even faster. It’s amazing how we went from me taking care of them to them taking care of me

For a Christmas present, Ron surprised me with my very own Harley Davidson motorcycle helmet, it is soooo cool, and I absolutely love it!!!! He took me for a ride around the Salton Sea one Sunday morning to try-on my new helmet and it was incredible, the weather was gorgeous, the sun was shinning and the day was perfect. I did not want the ride to end…

Today I’m scheduled to have a CT scan (after four treatments). I will have the results from the scan on Tuesday when I meet with my Oncologist right before treatment #5 (and then only one more to go). As you can imagine, the anticipation to see what the results will show is driving me crazy. I keep telling myself that everything is going to be OK. I consider myself lucky considering that the side effects have not been terrible. The first week after treatment is the worst, the second week I start feeling better and by the third week, I feel almost normal!?!?! (whatever normal is, I don’t think I remember anymore). Overall, I feel well. Its funny how we take for granted the little things in life. Up until just a few weeks ago, the smell of any scents (or strong odors, for that matter) would make cough and I would get the feeling of suffocating that does not happen so much anymore. Also, I can sing again, not that I was any good at it before, but still enjoy doing it in the shower or the car.

Thanks again to all of you who keep sending me cards, e-mails and well wishes, all your support is very much appreciated!!!

Warrior Princess

I wanted to share this painting with all of you.

Louisa Castrodale created this painting for me; she calls it “Warrior Princes”. It is an amazing creation. She portrayed me as a fighter. I feel extremely flattered!

HOPE

On December 23rd I received treatment no. 3 (out of 6 treatments, we are half way there) prior to the treatment, I met with my Oncologist. I received really good news. The results of a CT scan showed that the smaller growths are fading and the lager one is at the very least the same, if not getting smaller (these were the results after only two treatments). On this day, the clouds came down and touch my cheek!!
Needless to say, Christmas held a whole new meaning for me and my family this year.
There were no gifts exchanged, the focus was not placed on material things only the overwhelming feeling of gratefulness and appreciation for each other.


My sister Ana and her family (who now live in Cancun, Mexico) were here for the holidays, which made our time together that much more special.

It was a wonderful Christmas