A Christmas gift

So here I am once more…

Last Sunday, the day before the surgery I was emotionally blocked to the point that I could not pray, meditate, sing, dance, think, move or even talk to anyone -- if I open my mouth it would be to bite the head off someone, any one… It felt as if some ugly monster was inside of me wanting to burst out (kindda like in the movie Alien), I just could not control my fear. My friend Mariana came over the house to help me relax with an ancient Japanese form of energy cleansing. After an hour of Reiki, I felt reenergize and centralized within myself. As Mariana was leaving, I was putting on my hiking boots, kissing my parents and sister hello and good-bye… I was on my way to the mountain for a long, much needed hike, which I fully enjoyed, it was then that I was able to pray and talk to God once again. Climing was effortless, as if my feet were barely touching the dirt, it was an amazing feeling, did not get a bit tired -- I knew my body was in good shape.

I checked-in the hospital at 6 a.m. Monday morning for surgery scheduled at 7 a.m.... All my brothers and sisters, parents and my three kids were there… I was nervous but not scared. Surgery lasted approximately 2 hours without any complications. The incision is about six inches long right under my shoulder blade and the hole for the suction tube is about the size of a penny. The doctor explained that he took the biggest nodule along with all its surrounding tissue from the lung, he had to spread open my ribs to get through to the lung. The nodule was 9 cm long, so it was a chunk… Monday after surgery was the most difficult day, the pain was excruciating even with morphine, each day the pain is less. I was discharged from the hospital on Wednesday; with every passing day, I feel better.  I still have a hard time breathing, but that is also getting better every day.  A nurse comes to the house every day to check my vital signs and everything has been normal since the surgery. I have an appt. to see my oncologist on Wed. to review the results from pathology and determine the treatment to follow.

There have been so many wonderful angels around me, I feel the love and support of so many wonderful people, some very much directly and others indirectly. Every time I turn around there is someone else showing me a wonderful gesture. On the second day in the hospital, my doctor come into my room and asked if I had opened my own flower shop there? My room did look like a flower shop. My phone has not stopped ringing, texts continue to come in, and so many people that visited me in the hospital and here at my house. I guess I am a very fortunate person to have so many wonderful friends and people who love me…  I feel so blessed and happy -- in pain, but happy. .. God continues to work through different people and I say it with certainty because I feel it.

The spirit of Christmas is most definitely with me and my children, they have been so strong through this ordeal. I can see maturity, sensitivity, gratefulness, selflessness, determination and plenty of love in their eyes. I know one day when all this is over, they will be very good people because they have found the kind endurance and compassion that can only result from challenges such as this one.

Merry Christmas to all…

I'm in God's Hands

After all this wait….


The first week of November I had a PET scan done, that same day I received a phone call from the doctor’s office stating that there was something wrong with the scan and I had to do it all over… What does that mean? Again, the anticipation is dreadful! And then of course I start imagining and creating big monsters in my head…. On the 3rd week of November I had a second PET scan done. My oncologist referred me to a Thoracic Surgeon (a surgeon that specializes in the chest, lungs and throat area) He would need to take a sample of one of the nodule to determine if the gene is there. I called to make an appointment to find out that this particular doctor does not contract with insurance companies…. WHAT?? He must be soooooo fucking good that he only handles CASH? You can just imagine my reaction, frustration and yes… anger…. I have one of the best medical insurance I can possibly have… one that is not cheap… in all my dealings with doctors, and there have been many, I have never seen anything like this… the search for another doctor with a great reputation began… Finally working with my oncologist a new surgeon was found. I immediately made an appointment to consult a new doctor. I had to pick-up the results from the last PET scan and hand-carry them to the new doctor’s office the next day. Well of course I had to open the envelope… the results show that there are anywhere from 9 to 12 cancerous tumors in my right lung, varying in sizes…. Fear just took over me…. I prayed to God like crazy because at this point there is just nothing else to do, well I cried too…. A lot! I still went to the Zumba class… and pushed my body hard… kindda’ like to show it who’s boss here…

I met with the surgeon yesterday. I knew that I had to look into his eyes to see if he would be the one to do surgery on me and if I didn’t like him I would be willing to walk out and travel anywhere to find the right doctor. Within the first minute of meeting him, I liked him. Besides the fact that he has duo specialties (heart and lungs), which I think makes him super smart, I saw compassion in his eyes, calmness in his voice and very soft and steady hands. He answered every one of my questions with honesty; he also treated me like a person not a patient. He explained the procedure in terms I can understand. He is going for the largest tumor with an incision through the ribs making sure he gets it all so that pathology will have a lot to work with. He wanted to schedule the surgery for the next day, today… I said no… I have a Zumba class to teach… Actually, I just need to wrap my head around the whole idea of surgery and I wanted to have the “feeling” of having a little bit of control over my life, whatever that means… He was already doing two heart surgeries today and I would be the third one. We agreed on Monday at 7 am, and I would be the first one… I like that better! I’m expected to stay in the hospital for 2 – 3 days and go home in plenty of time to spend Christmas with the kids.

The kids… WOW!... They have been nothing but strong, supportive, mature and loving. What a burden for them and yet they are holding everything together. I’m very proud of them.

What I need from you and is to pray so that God may guide the doctor’s hands so that he can get in and out without disturbing anything else, for my body so that it will respond well and heal fast and for me so that I don’t “freak-out”!

There is always Tomorrow

I see the rainbow in the sky, the dew upon
  the grass;
I see them, and I ask not whay they glimmer
  or they pass.
With folded arms I linger not to call them
  back; 'twere vain;
In this, or in some other spot, I know they'll
  shine again.

                                WALTER SAVAGE LONDOR