You give me the strength to keep believing in myself!

Just got back from a long hike… it is a wonderful beautiful morning, the sun is shining and the day seems promising… A Hike sounds like a wonderful idea (stay with me, I am going somewhere with this…). My friend Mary picks me up and off we go… I’m feeling well prepared, I’m wearing my hiking boots, got water, sun glasses and my cell phone… the hike begins… 10 minutes into what feels like a strenuous climb, I’m ready to turn around and go get a cup of coffee instead but we don’t, we keep at it and the longer we do it, the harder it gets to put one foot in front of the other (now you know where I’m going with this!). Every time we made a turn where we hoped to have finally reach the top of the trail, we see just a more strenuous climb ahead, we sweated, we huffed and puffed, we stopped for a second to catch our breath and then we continued. We hiked some steep ups and some short lows… and it happens repeatedly until we finally make that final turn that took us to the very top… and it feels great! Then we went for coffee!!!!

So I got the results… The gene that they were looking for is not there, so the cutting-edge medicine is not an option, I will have to go through chemo again and it will be just as aggressive as the first time… so, I’m back to square one except this time I know (I think I know) what’s ahead of me and how strenuous the climb will be, and that scares me A LOT… for the past few days I did what I do when I’m scared, I hid in my very resistant shell just like a turtle would do. I did not want to come out ever, the whole time I was trying hard to process the news and to make sense of it. Many of you called me, text me, e-mailed me and I could not respond because I was scared, still am, but the shock is gone and I'm out again, going slowly but surely.  I am realizing that nothing has changed, right? I have already heard some of the worst words any human being can possibly hear. This is just one of those turn that when you look up you realize that the hike ahead just got really strenuous and you either get ready for it or not, well I am getting’ ready!

I am feeling better now. I was under the idea that if chemo would be an option, it would not be as aggressive or intense so when my doctor gave the news I was not prepared with any questions. I have many questions now that I need to discuss with my doctor, such as alternative medicine, Chinese medicine, etc. etc., diet and exercise, if the time-window allows it, and of course this is a discussion I am having with the kids as well. I am otherwise a healthy person, except for my lung, so why can’t I make my whole body healthy again, why can’t I make it to the top of the mountain where I can breathe freely and enjoy the scenery?

If I had gone to that hike by myself this morning, I probably would have not finished it, but Mary helped me, she was patient and supportive, encouraging and caring (my lung is not at 100% from the surgery yet by any means so it was quite difficult). That is what all of you are to me. Your messages, flowers, cards, texts, calls and e-mails help me put one foot in from of the other. I‘m not looking up just yet, I‘m just concentrating on the next step and every so often I look back down just to see how far I‘ve come. Even if I do not respond right away… you are helping me, I draw strength from that.

When they say, “Cancer is a Battle” they are not kiddin’!! This blow might have weakened my knees, but I am not down yet!